The Reason Why Your Marriage is One-Sided
Do you feel like you’re the only one trying in your marriage? That if you stopped bending backwards (despite feeling you’re going to break) that things will crumble? That the entire weight of the marriage is on your back?
Guess what?
You’re probably right!
The marriage will crumble and you will eventually crack. It’s an unhealthy marriage.
There’s only so long you can sustain putting in 110%, the question you must be wondering is, why can’t the other person see this? You’ve probably asked for help, possibly in a frustrated, “you don’t care” tone.
Two things are happening right now: one with them, one with you.
1.Their Comfort
When a person constantly keeps trying and keeps ‘doing’, the other partner gets very comfortable. They aren’t wired the same way you are, and think, well if they’re (you) doing it, then they (you) must like it.
No one is asking you to bend backwards. Normally that’s the truth.
The work you do, to the extent you do it, is YOUR choice.
The reality is, you don’t actually mind, but you wish it weren’t so one sided. You don’t ask for much, why can’t they be part of the marriage too.
Here’s why…
2. Your Emotional Insecurity
When one person tries abnormally harder than the other, it means they are trying to over-compensate. For what? For the fact that you don’t see yourself worthy to be loved at a rate of “normal” interaction. You feel the need to “play the hero.”
I can see you shaking your head – saying, “no, I’m just being nice” – “I just love them, and they don’t love me the same way!”
That’s not true.
You don’t love you the same way (read that again!). You don’t truly feel that if stop doing all that you do, that you are enough to be loved.
Self love always seemed a very fluffy concept to me. It took me a while to realize what this means. It’s not manicures and pedicures. It’s giving yourself the permission and the freedom to enjoy things you actually enjoy. To make time for things you like – with or without anyone. This means, you have to learn to be comfortable with yourself, without needing anyone to validate or need you.
This is a tough journey, it’s deep rooted somewhere in your life you may have felt rejected and didn’t even know it. In that rejection, you’ve learned that in order to avoid feeling like that again, you have to do more – keep trying, keep doing. You don’t. If you do, it’s not real anyway.
You want a sincere relationship. Where you are true to you, and your spouse enjoys you for that.
Your spouse doesn’t require you to be superwoman (or man). In fact, this façade of confidence is a huge turn-off. Either you’re projecting, “I don’t need you, I can do it myself anyway” or you’re projecting “you’re such a bum, I’ll just do it myself” – both are unloving.
Being vulnerable is scary, but its how couples grow in a beautiful way. It’ll take time to learn each other, but remember you’re only responsible for how you feel for yourself. You’re responsible for saying, “I am enough”, “I can be myself and be loved just as much”, “I like to help, but I can’t this time because I need that extra time for myself.”
Finding balance in ourselves is the hardest thing to do, but when it’s done, everything else seems to come together.