3 Ways to Start Feeling the Love in Your Muslim Marriage
Many couples complain about feeling unloved in their marriage. Not necessarily lonely (which is also a common sentiment…but that for another day), but the feeling like, “this person doesn’t love ME – I’m just convenient to have around.”
Here’s three things to consider, so you can change your mind-set and pick up on things that might be right in front of your face. You might have missed it because us humans tend to be too busy focusing on what we perceive as “what isn’t” instead of WHAT IS.
1.Define Love
Love is a funny word! In the dictionary it’s described as a noun (person, place, thing, states, qualities).
This is what it says:
noun
- a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
- a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
- sexual passion or desire.
If it becomes a verb (an action word) it is then used as “loved” or “loving”. Personally, I think the dictionary has it right, but really it doesn’t matter what I think – it’s what you think.
Many people will talk about love, but when asked to define it, they can’t. They can’t tell you what love really is. Some say “to love me, is to know me” (these people need attention to feel fully loved). Some people feel, “to love me, is to spoil me” (these people need services or gifts to feel fully loved). Some people will say, “to love me, is to support me” (these people need affirmation to feel fully loved). Some people will say, “to love me to is hold my hand” (these people need physical touch to feel fully loved)
Each of us absorb love differently, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t being loved – we just aren’t being loved in a way that our past has told is “this is love.” Often times, we’re loved in the way the OTHER person perceives love to be and not how WE perceive it to be. Which is why couples argue in frustration. One feels they are being loving and the other feels they don’t love them.
Consider starting with this: take a pen and paper and actually write this down, think of everything you can possibly think of that makes you feel loved.
“To love me, is ___________”
2.Prioritize
If you’ve done the above exercise then you’re likely sitting with a long list of things that make you feel loved. This is a great start but it’s kind of everywhere right?
Go through your list and under each one categorize is with 1, 2, or 3.
1 = I feel very loved, and super happy
2 = It’s really nice to have, but not the best
3 = Meh, it’s nice, but I won’t feel unloved if it didn’t happen
3.Express it
Once you are self-aware you can approach your spouse without confusing them, because you’re not confused yourself. Knowing yourself is half the battle to a healthy marriage because then you can work based on those guidelines.
Take a moment to talk about your self discovery without bringing up any hurtful incidents in the past as examples. You don’t want to turn this into a negative process, otherwise the whole thing may subconsciously elicit negative emotions. You want this to be a positive situation, where YOU are self aware. You can even make it an opportunity to apologize for not communicating things clearly and for feeling “unloved” despite all the effort your partner is putting in.
While taking responsibility makes on vulnerable, it also empowers you further into change.
Most spouses strive very hard to please one another. Issues arise when those efforts aren’t seen aa an effort.
Don’t make your journey for real love anyone’s responsibility except yours. Know yourself, set your standards and work towards being the best version of you, in doing so, you’ll see things you’ve never seen before!