3 Steps in Dealing with ‘Sensitive’ People (aka humans!)
They aren’t sensitive. You’re just unaware.
There are many couples that complain about their spouse being sensitive. The funny thing is that most of the time each thinks of the other as “sensitive.” Normally it’s because one said something, and did not intend it in a mean way, but the other took it to be something hurtful, thus they are considered sensitive. This isn’t limited to a gender, both seem to exhibit the same behaviour – after all, we’re still from the same species (believe it or not!).
So, what’s going on in this ‘sensitive’ relationship?
Well, regardless of the type of relationship (parental, spousal, siblings, friends) it always works the same way.
What you’re seeing are emotional triggers being pulled by certain words/context/or perceived implications. Normally it stems from a negative experience (that can even be from childhood), which one may or may not be aware of. Sometimes, it’s obvious ‘baggage’ maybe from a past relationship/blow-up and it’s becomes a defensive reaction.
So basically, people aren’t sensitive they’re triggered.
Keep these three steps in mind when dealing with someone “sensitive”:
Step 1:
Listen carefully to what they’re saying.
Even if you don’t ‘get it’ and it seems ‘stupid’, ‘petty’, or even immature, understand this person is not living in the now when it comes to their trigger. They go back, sometimes waaay back, and in doing so, yes, they can be all of the above mentioned.
By listening carefully, you’ll realize that certain types of conversations or implications can cause them to misunderstand you. So, for example, if in their childhood their parent would comment how the other sibling worked so hard, but never said anything to them; it’s a trigger. Deep down there is a feeling of rejection, or lack of attention/acknowledgement. They may overcompensate by doing a lot of things all the time, but if you come along and say, ‘why do you always have to be so busy’, that’s a trigger.
Let me explain.
You’re just trying to say, “hey, chill…let’s spend some time” – they are saying to themselves, “You won’t notice me unless I’m doing things. I can’t be loved by myself or others unless I feel productive”. Most of the time, the person has no idea this is what they’re saying to themselves.
Instead they tend to snap, and say something like, “Well I’m the only one working around here!” (not true, but they’re triggered, and now you’re mad too).
In a situation like this, you’d want them to know they’re doing enough. They are enough, and you just want them (dirty house, unproductive). There’s an insecurity in themselves. So, for example if you want their time, try something like: “Hey babe, you do so much even though you don’t have to, c’mon, come chill with me” (you can even add, “I love spending time with you”). They’re enough, you’ve acknowledged their work they feel makes them worthy and shown you just want their time.
You’d be getting the message across without causing them to get antsy or become “sensitive.”
Step 2:
Don’t call them sensitive.
Calling people sensitive is a form of dismissing their feelings. It just compounds the situation and makes them feel like they aren’t understood, because…well, they aren’t actually understood.
Some people have more issues than others, and it might take a little to a lot more work to figure it out. This I why “happily ever after” takes time. You have to be willing to learn each other, while also learning yourself.
Step 3:
Be supportive.
If you’ve realized that you just stepped into a trap their mind laid out, your best approach is to not react. Triggered people can become vicious in a stupid kind of way, and their irrational arguments make for annoying interaction. There’s nothing constructive you can do about it in the moment, other than pretend they are not being ridiculous and try to just be supportive. Even agree if you feel you must. But don’t try to make sense of it in the moment, it won’t work.
You’ll be the ‘bad guy’ no matter what, because their mind is in defensive mode. As long as you remain kind and calm, eventually they’ll snap out of it, and likely feel bad (not that you want it, but first step is to admit ya got a problem).
Petty marriage problems escalate from issues like this – when someone is triggered and that trigger is being challenged or further triggered. Unless we can be truthful with ourselves it’s very hard to realize we’re in the wrong and no matter if the other person meant well, it is seen as an attack. We all do it, its just some people are not as aware or not as in control.
Going Forward
Once everyone has calmed down, I don’t suggest you just leave the issue, because you want “happily ever after” (InshaAllah) and not shoving-things-under-the-rug-to-come-back-and-haunt-you. That means, when everyone is calm, in a gentle way, approach the subject again.
“So about early…. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you, but you should know, I didn’t mean what you thought I meant” – (explain yourself) – “perhaps there is something more there that makes you feel like _________, you should know I’d never want to hurt you….”
It takes times, but each time you can acknowledge a pattern in a gentle way, the closer you’ll get to stopping it in it’s tracks and healing that sore spot.
After all, marriage is designed to be a comfort for us, but anything amazing takes work and commitment! In the end though, it’s worth it (if not, it’s too late anyway, ha!) 😉