Learning Balance and Setting Boundaries in Your Muslim Marriage
The success of a marriage is based on establishing a balance between home, spouse, children, work and yourself. It’s very hard to do, and might take a lifetime to master, but definitely a good chunk of years to even start to acknowledge.
Every relationship in our life needs to be balanced. When it’s not, another aspect of life will suffer.
Normally, a marital relationship takes a huge portion of neglect because it “feels” like it’s part of the marriage, but it’s not. To top the list, we – ourselves, take the brunt of it all.
Learn to Separate Relationships
Learning to find balance and set boundaries means you have to define each relationship in your life.
… and yes, you have a relationship with yourself – consider it the relationship with body and soul. It needs time too.
Your children are not part of your marital relationship – most couples mix this up. They feel; well, since the child was conceived from that union, it’s the same relationship. Nope. It’s not.
Your spouse has different needs and one includes time. Children are attention and time suckers, they NEED limits. And you are not a bad parent for placing limits. Your job is to raise them to be independent, knowledgeable servants of Allah. Not to use them to fill every insecurity you’re feeling.
A healthy marriage sets boundaries or limits, based on priority sequence, which is as follows:
- You – your body and soul cannot give to others if it’s on empty. Time (not a whole lot), even 15 minutes a day to yourself is all you need (especially if it’s all you can take) to keep YOU filled and recharged. That might mean waking up for tahajjud, or doing some stretches, sitting down to eat a healthy meal, taking a relaxing shower. Whatever. 15 minutes, make it yours, and make it count depending on how you’re feeling.
- Your Spouse – Yes, they come before your children. Taking care of children is a joint effort, but if both partners are feeling neglected, they start developing resentment, that normally comes out in passive aggressive ways and those stupid, petty fights start. So, save 30 minutes a day for each other. Pray together, talk, cuddle, dress up, be married without children for 30 minutes everyday. Let the kids cry, they’ll get over it, but you guys won’t.
- Your Children – With yourself in-check, your spouse on your side, you can take on the purest, emotionally draining yet fulfilling job life has to offer – parenthood. Parents these days tend to be scared of their children and give in to their every demand. But children have parents for a reason, if they could self regulate, why would you be around? Remind yourself that while children may be annoying (or annoyed) in the moment, they’ll get over it (faster than you will). You and your spouse should establish rules and stick to it. Period. But if both couples are not mutually in agreement to those rules – the children will divide and conquer.
- Family – your parents/siblings/relatives are next on the list. Look out for them, especially your parents. Maintain and nurture the relationship – which may or may not be frustrating to deal with, but it’s an obligation. Again, set limits, call/visit once a week. Help them in areas you see they need it. Women – remember, your husband’s parents are his Jannah, if you love him, you’ll want him to attend to them. The easier you make it for him to do that, the more he will love you for it, and with his happiness is where your Jannah is. Beautiful, huh?
- Ere’body Else – work/your friends/community, are next. You enjoy their company, they enjoy yours. You need space from the regular grind and they’re the perfect outlet for that, but it should happen in priority sequence. You don’t go out at 1am and leave the wife at home after she gave birth and needs your support. You don’t go out at 5pm for dinner with the girls when the children are sick and no food is cooked. Take care of everyone in the right order and everything falls into place.
Complicating life happens when priorities are mixed up. It gets much simpler if things are arranged in the right order, starting with those that have greater rights over you.
It’s not an easy balance, and obviously this is life. Also, circumstances are different for everyone.
In a marriage it takes mutual understanding to develop a healthy balance and a support system for one another. Ultimately the only way of gaining insight and balance, is through the network of support you have around you. Starting with your connection to Allah – if that’s not the backbone of what you’re doing, then expect you’ll suck everywhere else, especially if you are from among those that Allah Loves (and Allah Knows Best!). Because He won’t leave you to your own self destruction (alhamdulilah!).